Your Worst Nightmare: Alcohol-Free Whisky

This just arrived from the ‘Couldn’t-Make-It-Up’ department.  I assumed it was a joke, but there is in fact a website as well, so if it is a joke it’s been pretty thoroughly done:

“We would like to offer Your company a news products, ALCOHOL-FREE WHISKY “Black Zero” & ALCOHOL-FREE VODKA “Blue Zero”, 0.0 per cent ABV. This is a completely news products which is produced using only natural materials; it is matured and bottled taking into regard the strictest quality requirements.

[Editor's Note:  readers of a nervous disposition should look away now]

Black Zero: unforgivably, this is from their own websiteBlack Zero: unforgivably, this is from their own website

This is the first whisky in the world (and vodka also), which is produced using the latest technologies, but also in accordance with the old recipes of whisky manufacture. After 10 years of research trying to reduce the amount of alcohol to a minimum but also to maintain the taste, colour and other characteristics, we were able to produce this alcohol-free whisky & vodka.

We do think that this product will be an appropriate substitute in the cases when people want to taste a good whisky or vodka, but they do not want to or cannot do that because of their health, religion or beliefs. We want to emphasize that in such a situation, this alcohol-free whisky “Black Zero” & alcohol–free vodka “Blue Zero” will be what these people are looking for. We do hope that You are interested in our product and You would give us the opportunity to collaborate with Your company.

We would also like to offer visiting our website (www.whiskey-store.co.uk) to get the detailed information concerning our goods and services.

Yours sincerely,

[Name with-held by editor to spare blushes]

Sales Department”

Now, if I was a little younger I would feel entirely justified in saying the following:  WTF?LOL!!LMFAO!!!ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!

But I’m not, so I won’t.  Seriously, though – where to start?!  Alcohol free whisky?!  Alcohol-free “Scotish” whisky?!?! Out of focus photograph of alcohol-free “Scotish” whisky on its own website?!?!?! Random strawberry background to out of focus photograph of alcohol-free “Scotish” whisky on its own website?!?!?!?! It’s all just a whole heap of wrong!!!!!!!!!

[Editor keels over in a fit of exclamation-mark-induced apoplexy]

However, everything deserves a fair go, even alcohol-free whisky.  If the makers of Black Zero do actually exist and this isn’t a perfectly-executed elaborate hoax, and if they want to send me a sample (preferably without any poison in it), I will do my even-handed duty and publish a tasting note for it.  Before I pour it down the toilet.

However, as is my custom with soft drinks, I may have to add some alcohol to it to make it palatable.

In the words of one W. Churchill:

“…the water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable we had to put a bit of whiskey in it. By diligent effort I learned to like it.”

Incidentally, perhaps the most remarkable bit of the piece is not the Black Zero alcohol-free whisky – but the Blue Zero alcohol free vodka.  Can anyone tell me the difference between alcohol-free vodka and, er, water?

It’s all a bit much for me – I’m off for something cask-strength and a bit of a lie down.  Hopefully it’s all just a big wind-up.

Posted in Whisky News

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